dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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