I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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