I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
