Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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