Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize