Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
