oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
