they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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