Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
