I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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