i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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