You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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