but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
