and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
