I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
that is very illegal...i love you.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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