I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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