I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
