I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
