Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
