my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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