Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Less talking, more tequila
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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