You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I need to align my fucking chakras
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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