my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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