Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he shaved USA in his pubs
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
