I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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