I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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