gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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