Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
