The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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