I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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