I'm drive I can fine osifer
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
