The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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