She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Green mimosas i think yes
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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