one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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