Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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