I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
