So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
