Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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