My sheets look like a crime scene.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
When are your genitals available?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize