I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize