I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
