I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize