dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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