Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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