Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
