If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
