I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
