Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
