What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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