Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
