Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
