the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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