I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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