I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
