Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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