You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize