everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
