I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
